It’s a year ago this week that I was traumatized by the sociopath I was in love with.

It was then I saw evil. it was then I fled. And i have basically been doing it ever since both physically and emotionally. Financially I wonder if I’ll ever catch up. So much damage. Such pain. Slow, lonely, confusing, frustrating and painful struggle. Such a process, like no other I’ve ever experienced. happily, I can honestly state that I think I am very very close to closing this chapter of my life. I know it’s not quite done, I was just yesterday I was pulled in a little bit when trying to end some of the last times. I wasn’t pulled in to the dream or the belief that he was good soul mistake like that he truly love me or we go happily off together nothing like that. Before a fleeting second I was able to believe that perhaps no totally narcissistic selfish controlling manipulative and a liar, oh and a sexual deviant, that maybe maybe maybe he felt a little remorse and a little acceptance of his responsibilities but totally sabotaging me at his parents house. A small victory, but IT felt good. says something usually a survivor of a sociopath doesn’t get to experience. They do not have remorse guilt shame regrets. They’re okay with the behavior. That’s why they never get help. they will apologize if absolutely against the wall. They’re not fond of it. But they know it’s a social convention , so they will if necessary They will do whatever is necessary to get to the point they need to get to,  which is always the place where they feel good and llife again revolves around their whims. can I just say after all this time and even though these months in between now and I’ve moved on in many ways, it is still the most draining of experiences even dealing with him on a tiny level with any emotion involved. Man he is good at this.

I don’t want to talk about him anymore. I hope and pray that the time I need to spend processing the next steps of this journey are very very short and simple. I’m ready to yet again live an uncomplicated simple happy and joyful truthful life. I never realized it wasn’t that way so long. I may actually go on an actual real date with a real man that I’ve been talking to for a week or so friend of my brothers I went to school with his brother. To be honest I’ve not been interested at all in any one and I’ve been asked out a lot in the last year I’ve always been asked out a lot but this year in particular I have had a lot of opportunities.  No one has sparked my interest, but I want to make myself go out even if its just a friend to just have a pizza and relax. it doesn’t have to be love. Like is good. 🙂


Image  —  Posted: March 24, 2015 in abuse, Acceptance, anti-social personality disorder, apology, dubbed by a sociopath, evil, narcissist, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic sociopath, psychopath, psychopaths, recover, responsibility, selfish, sociopath, sociopaths, victim, waiting
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It seems like it never ends. How much can he take? How much more do I have to lose? When does the suffering end and my life begin?

Sometimes I worry it never will. Every new post seems to be written about HIM, my ex, the sociopath. God, did he have ever characteristic??

The post I was reading had to do with the financial devastation caused by being in a relationship with a sociopath.I built my ex several local and online businesses, giving up attempts to secure work after deciding to leave the area only to stay due to “love”. I devoted 4.5 years to building online businesses, company profiles and followers, multiple contacts in FL where we were to live after we got married. Opened him up an Ebay store and successful online e-commerce. Gave him all my savings and let me credit go to hell since I wasn’t earning any money, just making it for him always with the promise we were moving in six months-so I hung on. I used my excellent online reputation to build his non-existent one, completely erasing any sign of me so he could get the credit. Well, he did. He’s hand over fist in money, and the thousands and tens of thousands sent to his mom for our house suddenly disappeared. Homeless, penniless, and devastated, I’ve spent past 10 months walking away from our joint businesses-all ebay/stores, tile companies, domain flipping, herbal remedies, car flipping, etc., with no stake in any of it. I stayed in touch a tiny bit due to business connections. I’ve one tie left. I am walking away. I hate that he has built credit, has a big savings account, will continue making lots of money off my work for our future, but it’s got to be this way. NO CONTACT. Started four days ago. Sticking with it this time NO MATTER WHAT. Thanks. Diana

I hate reading about myself and the big mistakes I made. I absolutely let him leach off me even though my savings and major financial contributions ended after about six months. Instead I worked behind the scenes building him businesses and online companies which have flourished. Now, 10 months later, after he revealed who he really was in a horrible fit of selfishness, I am penniless, homeless and without lots of prospects at the moment. I haven’t even settled into a “home” yet as I’ve been a nomad, fleeing from him, then having him follow. I’m physically a wreck-mostly skeletor issues due to compressed back, neck and shoulders, having lost 1.5 inches off my height in less than a year. But I’m going to make it. This too shall pass. He cannot have the rest of my life. No contact. Never again.

Dating a Sociopath


The sociopath is always self motivated and self focused. Even when they ‘fake’ that they are ‘doing you a favour’ there is always something in it for them. The sociopath always manages to ‘take’ without your permission. The sociopath is the salesman without the product. The sociopath repeat the following pattern to get what they want. They are not stupid, and everything is always a calculated action. They will:

  • Will win your trust, by offering you something for ‘free’ out of the kindness of their hearts
  • Will make false empty promises about what they are going to give you in the future
  • Will tell you complete lies, to fake that they are being ‘open’ with you to build a sense of trust

The sociopath is not stupid, and will often make a down payment. This will either be

  • A promise of what you can expect in the future
  • Paying for you…

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There’s nothing worse than a liar, my father used to say.

And he was right. Liars are without value, and lack every desirable characteristic: honor, dignity, reliability, strength, heroism and trust. They have none. What’s worse is they lie as easily as they breath, and they do so effortlessly. No remorse, no guilt, no shame, no worries. They just need to make sure everything else is working at the same time so you never realize you are being lied to and manipulated at ever turn.

There are real categories and lists around the characteristics, red flags, stages and strategies when it comes to sociopath. There’s so much DRAMA. So many elements which all simply support lies and manipulations, so this selfish, totally narcissistic, self-important wastes of space can create the necessary environment for them to survive. A world of deception and manipulation, where lies rule, but scary, sociopathic boundaries [they have none] are made up of sick traits.

Because they do not care, sociopaths can be very relaxed, very calm during the height of drama. So used to lying without blinking, they don’t show emotion or deception. They stay calm and cool. They can lie on a dime without a hint of concern crossing their faces, and you don’t even have a clue they are constantly feeding you tales. The stories don’t even make sense to you or me. They often lie just to set up the next story. They lie to distract you, to cover their other lies, to set themselves up for other deceptions. We never catch on. They lie very matter of fact, so you believe them.////

They don’t make sense, but you believe they believe. I felt sorry for Chris all the time. How could he be so ignorant? Why was he always pretending to be so tough, when he was really so scared? How can he NOT see how pathetic he is, when he’s getting no respect, no consideration, yet he stands there tall as if he IS in charge and revered by all. That’s because he thinks he is. He thinks he is so tough. He is smarter. He is handsomer and a better lover. If not, he really doesn’t care about that either. You can’t shame them, guilt them, belittle them…they don’t believe and/or care. They know they are superior. That’s all that matters.

One of the worst “tools” of the trade for a sociopath is destroying the reputation and honor of anyone in their sites, but especially ones they are romantically involved with. I know in my case, my excellent reputation for honesty and integrity was one of the main drawing factors in my ending up with my sociopath. He liked my status. He liked my honor and commitment to honesty. He knew he could always count on me to do the right thing, and I was calm and stable as I processed major crisis consistently. I did a lot of volunteer work on top of strenuous  and challenging work, so I was always juggling huge plates. I did it well, and I always did it to the best of my ability. But those “draws” soon became liabilities because I ended up questioning him or challenging his beliefs about himself. He couldn’t give me a straight answer. He could never tell me the truth; he’d lose me. So he’d lie and start using strategies to distract me, to have me question myself and to “process” things so I’d better understand his place. In the meantime, behind my back, he was discrediting me. He told outright lies, completely opposite of the truth, to control how others who did not know me, viewed me. So, for instance, he had painted his ex-girlfriend as a crazy, aggressive, hated, selfish, woman who was mentally unstable. I believed him because I’d met her earlier on, and I also had experience personally where she totally invaded my privacy and acted inappropriately. So much so that I once fell to my knees in disbelieve when I found she’d broken into an online account, copied and pasted private entries, then shared with others. I’d never known someone so lacking in boundaries. Chris encouraged my fear, knowing I had no experience with the mentally unstable, so I easily avoided any contact. Whenever we’d have computer issues, porn profiles appear out of the blue, problems with accounts, the “understanding” was it was her. I still encouraged him to be respectful, but keep me in the loop as I hated being surprised and finding lengthy letters in our mail or guest appearances at functions we attended.

The whole while, he was telling her I was an angry, jealous, unstable woman who would freak out if I saw them near each other much less friends. I asked him to be her friend, to treat her with respect and kindness, and to lead by example by growing as a human being no matter how outlandish her behavior was. Be the bigger man. Show her compassion. Show her respect. It may help her, but it will definitely help you and us. But she thought I hated her and wouldn’t allow communication with Chris due to my jealously. His true goal was for us never to communicate, never to know each other, and certainly never become friends. We did. Four plus years later, and after the attack, I reached out only because I sensed a hint of honest-something I could not find when swarming in the den of lies and deception I found myself in. She and I have become very close, and he is horrified. His attempt at slander both of us worked in his mind at least, and did keep us apart, but to set up his own credibility, he attacked our characters, lied about our motives, claimed we were unstable and angry. None true. He told each of us, which we found out quickly once we talked, was false, but he’d told these lies to his “inner circle” as well, so they all believed what he said.

One of the most frustrating methods of keeping their lies and manipulations under their control is to never answer your questions, so you never really have answers. The most straightforward, open, direct question which you would expect simple, straightforward answer never gets answered. He’ll go around and around, distract you, talk about something else, be vague, maybe get angry in-between, anything but to be accountable and honest. hen you ask a psychopath a straightforward question that requires a straightforward answer, he usually goes round and round in circles or talks about something else altogether. It’s so draining sometimes, just to get one answer, by the time you even remember what you were asking about, you’ve been here, there and everywhere…whereever he decided to take you.  Similarly, when you ask direct question, aside from lying, distracting, going round and round, they will answer in general terms or unrelated terms, not having to do with specific topic or his real answer, but in world views or unrelated to him directly. Very evasive. Don’t want to be labeled-trapped.

Pointing fingers at others: the blame game. He’s never guilty. He’s never wrong. If I called him on anything, no matter how small or innocent [it seemed then] he never did “it”. Or, instead of admitting he did something, he’d say I did it or someone else did it too. He will not accept blame or take any responsiblity unless he absolutely gains something for doing so.

I never realized that equally damaging and effective in believing a sociopath’s twisted lies and manipulations are not being vague, but overly detailed. Where i might ask more questions if Chris wasn’t forthcoming or clear when answering, say, questions about his interactions with an unhappy client. The bottom line is that I would be dealing with the ramifications, so I’d learned if I did not press for details, I’d end up approaching the situation blindly, often frustrating and doubling my work load. But, when he starts telling me a story about a customer, and he goes into all these elaborate details, I can often feel there’s something wrong, but I follow the story and by the end, forgot my concerns or am not worried about the customer. That is often a mistake as well.

He was always playing the loyalty and love card when challenged with truths he claimed were false. If a friend or colleague stated one things happened, or there was tension with them and Chris, I’d ask Chris what happened, that something was wrong. He’d start with nothing. I didn’t say a word. Then….finally after hearing the friend’s side, clarifying facts with him often turned into a pouting session where he was “hurt” I would take her side or not believe him or support him; you ‘know she’s a liar”. He played on my emotions when using that tactic resolved his problem.”

If someone had told me they felt Chris was not honest or was deceitful, I would not have gotten angry and walked away. One might think that as I truly worshipped this man, but the truth is, honesty and openmindedness are the cornerstones of my personality. I am constantly asking those close to me, and even those I just meet, to always be upfront and honest with me. I can handle that just fine, even if it seems like you might hurt my feelings. If I am confused, I’ll ask you. I won’t ever get mad though occassionally I need time to digest something you may say that totally takes me off guard. I’m eztremely intuitive and sensitive to others, but my gut works well, and I know immediately when something’s not right. Tiny things. I’m like a liar’s worst nightmare. I can smell them. I fight evil, honestly, that’s how it feels with the charity work I do and my root beliefs. And yet…here I am. It’s like the worst trick played on me in the world. Honest being all about who I am and what I need from others ;and get without exception] It never dawned on me that Chris was anything but a good man who wanted to become a better man, and I stood by his side for years helping him process those thoughts and reflect on actions. When I realized he wasn’t as forthcoming and truthful as we’d discussed, and I knew it was going to take some time for him to be free of the burdens that prevented full disclosure, I still never thought he lied to me. Never thought if I asked him straight up to his face that he would be anything but 100% honest; never lie to me outright. Never. Forget being manipulative or purposely deceptive; never crossed my mind. Hey, it’s taken me 10 months of doing things like THIS to accept my love, my Christopher, is a true sociopath who has no regrets, no remorese, no guilt, no shame, and he lies to my face and behind my back and to my side and over my head with ease. That’s freaky.

But to a woman whose life and emotions are wrapped around the psychopath, the answer is likely to be that she prefers to believe him over his girlfriend or anybody else for that matter. Even in such a hopeless situation–if a psychopath’s partner doesn’t want to face the truth about him–it’s still important to share information with her. Psychopaths form co-dependent, addictive bonds with their so-called “loved” ones. They’re as dangerous to their partners as any hard drug is likely to be. If their partners know about their harmful actions and about their personality disorder, then at least they’re willingly assuming the risk. Everyone has the right to make choices in life, including the very risky one of staying with a psychopath. But at least they should make informed choices, so that they know whom they’re choosing and are prepared for the negative consequences of their decision.

Deception is a very entertaining game for psychopaths. They use one victim to lie to another. They use both victims to lie to a third. They spin their web of mind-control upon all those around them. They encourage antagonisms or place distance among the people they deceive, so that they won’t compare notes and discover the lies. Often they blend in aspects of the truth with the lies, to focus on that small grain of truth if they’re caught. The bottom line remains that psychopaths are malicious sophists. It really doesn’t matter how often they lie or how often they tell the truth. Psychopaths use both truth and lies instrumentally, to persuade others to accept their false and self-serving version of reality and to get them under their control. For this reason, it’s pointless to try to sort out the truth from the lies. As M. L. Gallagher, a contributor to the website has eloquently remarked, psychopaths themselves are the lie. From hello to goodbye, from you’re beautiful to you’re ugly, from you’re the woman of my life to you mean nothing to me, from beginning to end, the relationship with a psychopath is one big lie.

He really thought he was that important, so important that sacrificing the woman he “loved” in order to protect his ass [maybe] was most important.

He wouldn’t risk anyone challenging his created persona, and since they would never ask him or challenge him, all he had to do was get rid of the truth-me.

I am amazed [and at times so relieved] to see HIM and US in so much of the literature, research, personal stories and narrations of narcissists and sociopaths. HE was always the hero. Always the leader, but such a coward. He was never wrong, and as it says, when he did admit [must have had a benefit at the moment to admit “wrong] it was temporary. They are so shallow, so surface. I can remember so many incidences, but the one that sticks out most is when I walked him, step-by-step through the physical experience that was the “EVENT” in Florida that changed everything. It’s the day I saw evil. It’s the day I went into shock, later diagnosed as PTSD, and I saw the man I loved with all my heart, that I’d sacrificed for, protected, been willing to suffer all-knowing he was “a good man” and all my hard work would pay off for both of us-for US-our “family” in the end, which was now supposedly happening. The physical part of being shoved aside after being called a “dick”. The sliding into the chair next to mom, whispering in her ear, a wink to dad, a knowing shared stance among the three Lawson’s-people that outside of this shared moment, never said a compliment or accepted blame or responsiblity-just abuse from one to the other. Wrong answers, blame, never an apology or an acceptance of responsiblity. Shame, abuse, degradation, self-loathing, and sick pride, that’s what they shared. But right then, they shared a strong united bond. I WAS THE BAD ONE. Me, the teller of truth, the one bent over in agonizing pain due to stress induced painful ulcer. I struggled to stand, and could not utter the words I needed to share after the abusive ride with HIM proved he had no intention of following the plan as laid out by me, him, his parents. The straight and narrow–not to be. But right then, it didn’t matter. Nothing I had to say mattered, and they all made that clear as HE bullied me, ached me on, harassed me all while smirking. An evil smirk. A cold, heartless, “I won” smirk. He did in that moment, in our kitchen a month later, finally admit each baby step of this process. A day later he would swear it never happened, but for that moment, with no witnesses and no hope he’d admit it again or admit he ever did admit it, he said he had “thrown me under the bus” because he feared I would reveal to his parents secrets only I knew, and in order to protect himself, he made sure I wouldn’t be listened to, and more importantly, that I wouldn’t share those stories. I had never planned on it. He knew that he said, but he couldn’t take the chance.

Psychopathyawareness's Blog

Psychopaths are Losers who view themselves as Leaders. As we’ve seen, unless there’s a specific advantage for him, a psychopath never admits to being wrong, to doing wrong, to having wronged anyone. Whatever he does wrong to others–cheating, lying, manipulation, hurting them emotionally and physically–he manages to project blame on the victims and on those around them. In fact, the psychopath will see his cowardly actions as superior; on a higher plane of existence than the rest of humanity. Rather than seeing himself as the pathological person that he is–essentially, a Loser who spends his life parasitically using and taking advantage of others–the psychopath is likely to see and describe himself as a maverick: a lone dissenter, awillfully independent hero “ahead of the pack,” who rejects the dated and commonplace notions of right and wrong and of truth and falsehood. Ethical human beings, who care…

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Posted: January 22, 2015 in Uncategorized