There’s nothing worse than a liar, my father used to say.
And he was right. Liars are without value, and lack every desirable characteristic: honor, dignity, reliability, strength, heroism and trust. They have none. What’s worse is they lie as easily as they breath, and they do so effortlessly. No remorse, no guilt, no shame, no worries. They just need to make sure everything else is working at the same time so you never realize you are being lied to and manipulated at ever turn.
There are real categories and lists around the characteristics, red flags, stages and strategies when it comes to sociopath. There’s so much DRAMA. So many elements which all simply support lies and manipulations, so this selfish, totally narcissistic, self-important wastes of space can create the necessary environment for them to survive. A world of deception and manipulation, where lies rule, but scary, sociopathic boundaries [they have none] are made up of sick traits.
Because they do not care, sociopaths can be very relaxed, very calm during the height of drama. So used to lying without blinking, they don’t show emotion or deception. They stay calm and cool. They can lie on a dime without a hint of concern crossing their faces, and you don’t even have a clue they are constantly feeding you tales. The stories don’t even make sense to you or me. They often lie just to set up the next story. They lie to distract you, to cover their other lies, to set themselves up for other deceptions. We never catch on. They lie very matter of fact, so you believe them.////
They don’t make sense, but you believe they believe. I felt sorry for Chris all the time. How could he be so ignorant? Why was he always pretending to be so tough, when he was really so scared? How can he NOT see how pathetic he is, when he’s getting no respect, no consideration, yet he stands there tall as if he IS in charge and revered by all. That’s because he thinks he is. He thinks he is so tough. He is smarter. He is handsomer and a better lover. If not, he really doesn’t care about that either. You can’t shame them, guilt them, belittle them…they don’t believe and/or care. They know they are superior. That’s all that matters.
One of the worst “tools” of the trade for a sociopath is destroying the reputation and honor of anyone in their sites, but especially ones they are romantically involved with. I know in my case, my excellent reputation for honesty and integrity was one of the main drawing factors in my ending up with my sociopath. He liked my status. He liked my honor and commitment to honesty. He knew he could always count on me to do the right thing, and I was calm and stable as I processed major crisis consistently. I did a lot of volunteer work on top of strenuous and challenging work, so I was always juggling huge plates. I did it well, and I always did it to the best of my ability. But those “draws” soon became liabilities because I ended up questioning him or challenging his beliefs about himself. He couldn’t give me a straight answer. He could never tell me the truth; he’d lose me. So he’d lie and start using strategies to distract me, to have me question myself and to “process” things so I’d better understand his place. In the meantime, behind my back, he was discrediting me. He told outright lies, completely opposite of the truth, to control how others who did not know me, viewed me. So, for instance, he had painted his ex-girlfriend as a crazy, aggressive, hated, selfish, woman who was mentally unstable. I believed him because I’d met her earlier on, and I also had experience personally where she totally invaded my privacy and acted inappropriately. So much so that I once fell to my knees in disbelieve when I found she’d broken into an online account, copied and pasted private entries, then shared with others. I’d never known someone so lacking in boundaries. Chris encouraged my fear, knowing I had no experience with the mentally unstable, so I easily avoided any contact. Whenever we’d have computer issues, porn profiles appear out of the blue, problems with accounts, the “understanding” was it was her. I still encouraged him to be respectful, but keep me in the loop as I hated being surprised and finding lengthy letters in our mail or guest appearances at functions we attended.
The whole while, he was telling her I was an angry, jealous, unstable woman who would freak out if I saw them near each other much less friends. I asked him to be her friend, to treat her with respect and kindness, and to lead by example by growing as a human being no matter how outlandish her behavior was. Be the bigger man. Show her compassion. Show her respect. It may help her, but it will definitely help you and us. But she thought I hated her and wouldn’t allow communication with Chris due to my jealously. His true goal was for us never to communicate, never to know each other, and certainly never become friends. We did. Four plus years later, and after the attack, I reached out only because I sensed a hint of honest-something I could not find when swarming in the den of lies and deception I found myself in. She and I have become very close, and he is horrified. His attempt at slander both of us worked in his mind at least, and did keep us apart, but to set up his own credibility, he attacked our characters, lied about our motives, claimed we were unstable and angry. None true. He told each of us, which we found out quickly once we talked, was false, but he’d told these lies to his “inner circle” as well, so they all believed what he said.
One of the most frustrating methods of keeping their lies and manipulations under their control is to never answer your questions, so you never really have answers. The most straightforward, open, direct question which you would expect simple, straightforward answer never gets answered. He’ll go around and around, distract you, talk about something else, be vague, maybe get angry in-between, anything but to be accountable and honest. hen you ask a psychopath a straightforward question that requires a straightforward answer, he usually goes round and round in circles or talks about something else altogether. It’s so draining sometimes, just to get one answer, by the time you even remember what you were asking about, you’ve been here, there and everywhere…whereever he decided to take you. Similarly, when you ask direct question, aside from lying, distracting, going round and round, they will answer in general terms or unrelated terms, not having to do with specific topic or his real answer, but in world views or unrelated to him directly. Very evasive. Don’t want to be labeled-trapped.
Pointing fingers at others: the blame game. He’s never guilty. He’s never wrong. If I called him on anything, no matter how small or innocent [it seemed then] he never did “it”. Or, instead of admitting he did something, he’d say I did it or someone else did it too. He will not accept blame or take any responsiblity unless he absolutely gains something for doing so.
I never realized that equally damaging and effective in believing a sociopath’s twisted lies and manipulations are not being vague, but overly detailed. Where i might ask more questions if Chris wasn’t forthcoming or clear when answering, say, questions about his interactions with an unhappy client. The bottom line is that I would be dealing with the ramifications, so I’d learned if I did not press for details, I’d end up approaching the situation blindly, often frustrating and doubling my work load. But, when he starts telling me a story about a customer, and he goes into all these elaborate details, I can often feel there’s something wrong, but I follow the story and by the end, forgot my concerns or am not worried about the customer. That is often a mistake as well.
He was always playing the loyalty and love card when challenged with truths he claimed were false. If a friend or colleague stated one things happened, or there was tension with them and Chris, I’d ask Chris what happened, that something was wrong. He’d start with nothing. I didn’t say a word. Then….finally after hearing the friend’s side, clarifying facts with him often turned into a pouting session where he was “hurt” I would take her side or not believe him or support him; you ‘know she’s a liar”. He played on my emotions when using that tactic resolved his problem.”
If someone had told me they felt Chris was not honest or was deceitful, I would not have gotten angry and walked away. One might think that as I truly worshipped this man, but the truth is, honesty and openmindedness are the cornerstones of my personality. I am constantly asking those close to me, and even those I just meet, to always be upfront and honest with me. I can handle that just fine, even if it seems like you might hurt my feelings. If I am confused, I’ll ask you. I won’t ever get mad though occassionally I need time to digest something you may say that totally takes me off guard. I’m eztremely intuitive and sensitive to others, but my gut works well, and I know immediately when something’s not right. Tiny things. I’m like a liar’s worst nightmare. I can smell them. I fight evil, honestly, that’s how it feels with the charity work I do and my root beliefs. And yet…here I am. It’s like the worst trick played on me in the world. Honest being all about who I am and what I need from others ;and get without exception] It never dawned on me that Chris was anything but a good man who wanted to become a better man, and I stood by his side for years helping him process those thoughts and reflect on actions. When I realized he wasn’t as forthcoming and truthful as we’d discussed, and I knew it was going to take some time for him to be free of the burdens that prevented full disclosure, I still never thought he lied to me. Never thought if I asked him straight up to his face that he would be anything but 100% honest; never lie to me outright. Never. Forget being manipulative or purposely deceptive; never crossed my mind. Hey, it’s taken me 10 months of doing things like THIS to accept my love, my Christopher, is a true sociopath who has no regrets, no remorese, no guilt, no shame, and he lies to my face and behind my back and to my side and over my head with ease. That’s freaky.
But to a woman whose life and emotions are wrapped around the psychopath, the answer is likely to be that she prefers to believe him over his girlfriend or anybody else for that matter. Even in such a hopeless situation–if a psychopath’s partner doesn’t want to face the truth about him–it’s still important to share information with her. Psychopaths form co-dependent, addictive bonds with their so-called “loved” ones. They’re as dangerous to their partners as any hard drug is likely to be. If their partners know about their harmful actions and about their personality disorder, then at least they’re willingly assuming the risk. Everyone has the right to make choices in life, including the very risky one of staying with a psychopath. But at least they should make informed choices, so that they know whom they’re choosing and are prepared for the negative consequences of their decision.
Deception is a very entertaining game for psychopaths. They use one victim to lie to another. They use both victims to lie to a third. They spin their web of mind-control upon all those around them. They encourage antagonisms or place distance among the people they deceive, so that they won’t compare notes and discover the lies. Often they blend in aspects of the truth with the lies, to focus on that small grain of truth if they’re caught. The bottom line remains that psychopaths are malicious sophists. It really doesn’t matter how often they lie or how often they tell the truth. Psychopaths use both truth and lies instrumentally, to persuade others to accept their false and self-serving version of reality and to get them under their control. For this reason, it’s pointless to try to sort out the truth from the lies. As M. L. Gallagher, a contributor to the website lovefraud.com has eloquently remarked, psychopaths themselves are the lie. From hello to goodbye, from you’re beautiful to you’re ugly, from you’re the woman of my life to you mean nothing to me, from beginning to end, the relationship with a psychopath is one big lie.